he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
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He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
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On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
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