So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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