i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Randomize
