Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
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