Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
