on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
