Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
Randomize
