if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Randomize
