I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
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