He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
I just found a bag of teeth...
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
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