I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Randomize
