Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
