What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Randomize
