I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
