I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
