So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
