You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
being pregnant is like rehab
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam š
I just made the most āsingle lifeā Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I havenāt been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was āTits On A Stickā.
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