if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Randomize
