We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
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