My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
Four minutes until I can fart!
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Randomize
