Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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