just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
