I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Randomize
