You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
I've blown a few things in my day
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Please don't give away my fajitas
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
