he puts the penis in happiness.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
My liver just had a heart attack.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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