So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
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