You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
