Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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