I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
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