I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Randomize
