Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Randomize
