I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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