She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Randomize
