Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
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