Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
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I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
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