seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize
