I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
