So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
