Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Randomize
