I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
just found out that she named her cat after me.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
