is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
