3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Randomize
