Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
did i just pee glitter
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
