Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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