my phone needs a breathalizer
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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