My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
We had sex on a dog bed..
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Randomize
