Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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