Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
