oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
I cut my penus on the lid.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
