The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Randomize
