I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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