and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Randomize
