I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Randomize
