I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
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Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
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How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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