i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
21 People Confess Their Craziest Online Dating Experience
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
These 27 Hilarious People Wrote Their Own Obituaries
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.