Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL